Navigating Youth Through Grief
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but our youth are grieving. According to the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM), approximately 700,000 youth in America experienced the death of a parent in the years 2020 and 2021. 1 in 12 youth in America will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. The profound impact of this loss cannot be understated. It is likely you know a youth who has been touched by this profound loss. November is Children’s Grief Awareness Month: let’s learn how we can support our grieving children.
First, we need to be aware of how children grieve. Children’s grief can be difficult to identify and understand as children often act in ways we may not expect. Grief responses can include crying, anger, shutdown, tantrums, or detachment. Children may be sad one moment and playing the next. Grief reactions are also dependent upon a child’s age, gender, development, history of loss and environment. KidsHealth offers helpful descriptions by age of grief reactions and ideas for supportive responses here. Awareness leads us to offering support.
Sensitive support can be as simple as keeping to a regular routine, offering extra snuggles, sharing a children’s book about death and grief, or making a memory box to hold reminders of their loved one. It can also be as challenging as explaining death, talking about afterlife, and preparing the child to attend a funeral. The Child Mind Institute offers practical suggestions on how to support grieving youth here. The most powerful intervention is simply talking with youth about their loved one and helping them to express their feelings. But what should I say? What if I say the wrong thing? This November, the National Alliance for Children’s Grief (NACG) is teaching us how to Flip the Script and change our approach to talking with youth about their grief.
Flip the Script is a campaign that challenges us to rethink the way we might typically approach conversations with youth about the death of a loved one. Traditional expressions of sympathy are often unhelpful and hurtful. Instead of saying, “The holidays must be so hard for you”, Flip the Script and say “I’m so happy to see you. I know sometimes the holidays can be hard after someone dies. I am here when you are ready to talk.” The well-meaning sentiment, “Your loved one is in a better place” is flipped to “When people die, they can leave a space in our life. What is something that is comforting for you right now?” And instead of asking, “How did your loved one die?”, Flip the Script by prompting, “Tell me about your loved one.” A simple declaration, “I am here when you are ready to talk”, is sensitive and supportive.
I encourage you to spend some time at the NACG website to explore these scripts. Our words matter. Flipping our traditional way of speaking about death can provide comfort and support to the child who is grieving. We may not be able to keep our youth from experiencing loss, but we sure can support them as they make their way through grief.
